cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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