just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
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Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
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At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize