we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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