Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
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