Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize