I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
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Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
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If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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