How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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