Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
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Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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