hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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