I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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