My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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