I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
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My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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