Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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