I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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