I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
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Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
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Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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