someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
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She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
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Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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