Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Who died my cat blue again?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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