can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
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hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
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I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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