I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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