if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
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I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
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Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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