sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
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I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
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Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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