The brown eye won't let me do that either.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
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when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
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The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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