I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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