I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I deserve this hangover.
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