Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
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the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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