i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize