Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
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She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
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The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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