I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
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I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
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It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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