Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
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WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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