oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize