um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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