I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
this just has baby written all over it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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