Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
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I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
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You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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