I showed him my bush... on skype.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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