Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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