My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
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I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
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The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
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