I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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