I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
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Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
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Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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