I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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