my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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