There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
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My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
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We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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