You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
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the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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