i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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