can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
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So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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