My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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