Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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