ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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