Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
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