Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize