the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize